Chinese Bat Pleads the 5th During Congressional Covid Hearing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tense congressional hearing descended into chaos Tuesday after a Wuhan bat invoked its Fifth Amendment rights when Sen. Rand Paul asked the witness a seemingly simple question:
“Do you know Dr. Fauci?“
“And where exactly were you in November 2019?”
The bat, identified in committee documents only as “Wuhan Bat,” stared silently into the microphone before consulting with counsel and declining to answer on the grounds that its response might expose it to criminal liability, international embarrassment, or several very uncomfortable podcast appearances.
“I respectfully invoke my right against self-incrimination,” the bat reportedly said through an interpreter specializing in Mandarin and echolocation.
Paul then leaned forward.
“Were you, or were you not, anywhere near the Wuhan Institute of Virology?”
The bat immediately requested a recess.
Committee members said suspicions intensified when staffers produced travel records showing the bat had accumulated an unusually high number of frequent-flyer miles between a wet market, a cave in Yunnan Province and an address mysteriously listed as ‘Definitely Not A Laboratory.’
The bat’s attorney insisted there was nothing unusual about any of this.
“My client is a nocturnal mammal,” he said. “Flying around China at odd hours is not evidence of anything.”
Paul then introduced several pages of heavily redacted documents that appeared to include messages such as:
“The humans are asking questions.”
and
“Whatever happens, stick with the pangolin story.”
At that point, the witness attempted to hang upside down beneath the testimony table.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, watching the proceedings remotely, cautioned lawmakers against jumping to conclusions.
“There are many plausible explanations for why a bat might refuse to discuss its whereabouts in late 2019,” Fauci said. “Science requires us to keep an open mind, particularly to explanations that do not involve answering Senator Paul’s question.”
Committee Democrats objected that the hearing had become a political circus and pointed out that Congress had not established whether the witness was even the correct species of bat.
Republicans responded by subpoenaing every bat in central China.
The hearing grew still more contentious when Paul asked whether the bat had ever received federal grant money.
The witness again pleaded the Fifth.
At press time, congressional investigators announced plans to offer immunity to the first wet-market animal willing to testify, prompting three pangolins to immediately retain attorneys.
