WEBSTER GROVES, MO — Following revelations that former city employees used taxpayer-funded credit cards for purchases at cannabis shops and strip clubs, Webster Groves officials have reportedly decided the easiest solution is simply to reclassify the expenses as part of the city’s employee benefits package.
“Obviously, mistakes were made,” said a city spokesman. “Specifically, the mistake was failing to put ‘lap dances’ under Professional Development in the first place.”
The revised Webster Groves employee handbook now reportedly lists several new reimbursable municipal expenses, including:
- cannabis for “stress management,”
- strip-club admission for “community outreach,”
- lap dances for “staff morale,”
- bar tabs for “intergovernmental relations,”
- and ATM withdrawals classified as “economic development grants.”
Officials said employees will still be required to submit receipts, although a handwritten note reading “CITY BUSINESS” across the top of a cocktail napkin will also be accepted.
The controversy erupted after a state audit examined city credit-card spending and found improper personal charges associated with former employees.
Residents were initially shocked to discover public money had allegedly been spent at establishments not traditionally associated with municipal government.
“I always assumed my taxes were paying for roads, police and parks,” said Webster Groves resident Karen Whitmore while staring quietly at her property-tax bill. “Apparently I also helped put a dancer at PT’s through nursing school.”
City officials emphasized that Webster Groves remains committed to fiscal responsibility.
“We have very strict purchasing guidelines,” another Webster Groves official explained. “For example, employees may expense no more than two lap dances per fiscal quarter unless they receive written authorization from the city manager.”
The city is also reportedly replacing its old purchasing categories with several more transparent accounting codes:
101 — Office Supplies
102 — Public Works
103 — Parks & Recreation
104 — Cannabis & Recreational Recreation
105 — Adult Performing Arts
The Webster Groves Parks Department immediately objected to Category 104, insisting that the word “recreation” legally belongs to them.
Meanwhile, City Hall announced that all municipal credit cards will soon carry a new disclaimer:
PROPERTY OF THE CITY OF WEBSTER GROVES — PLEASE TIP RESPONSIBLY.
In an effort to rebuild public trust, officials are also considering a new policy requiring city employees to notify taxpayers whenever a purchase exceeds $500.
Residents would receive an automatic text message reading:
“Your municipal government has just authorized a transaction at The Diamond Cabaret. Reply YES to approve another round.”
Local government experts say Webster Groves could become a national model for transparency.
“Most cities hide wasteful spending in complicated budgets nobody understands,” said municipal-finance consultant Chuck Ledbetter. “Webster Groves apparently just puts it directly on Visa.”
At press time, city officials were reportedly investigating another suspicious credit-card charge labeled “infrastructure improvement” after auditors discovered the infrastructure in question was gyrating on a brass pole.
