Local media mogul adds “Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News” to rapidly expanding St. Louis empire
ST. LOUIS — In a move that stunned the region’s media establishment and at least three people who regularly visit the website, nationally-known media super-owner David Hoffmann has reportedly acquired St. Louis Breaking News & World Report, the city’s increasingly influential source of journalism that openly admits none of its journalism is real.
Terms of the deal were not disclosed, largely because St. Louis Breaking’s accounting department consists of an Excel spreadsheet labeled “Money Maybe.”
Hoffmann, Chairman of Lee Enterprises, which owns the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, recently purchased radio station KMOX and several other marquee radio properties in town. Undaunted by our region’s palpable inferiority complex, he is also in the process of transforming the Augusta /Defiance area into the next Napa Valley by buying up every last winery in the area he can find. He reportedly became interested in St. Louis Breaking after discovering that the publication possessed something increasingly rare in modern media:
Readers who know they’re being lied to.
“I looked at the numbers and said, ‘This is remarkable,’” Hoffmann allegedly told associates. “Their operating costs are almost nothing, their staff is virtually nonexistent, and nobody expects them to get the story right. Frankly, it’s the perfect media business.”
Citizen K Retained in Massive Editorial Shakeup
Under terms of the acquisition, longtime Managing Editor Citizen K will remain in charge of the newsroom, assuming management can determine exactly where the newsroom is and who exactly works there.
Publisher Bon Bot, the artificial-intelligence executive responsible for much of St. Louis Breaking’s editorial output, will also remain with the organization after Hoffmann was informed that terminating an AI chatbot does not actually reduce payroll.
“This was a major consideration,” Hoffmann reportedly said. “Most newspapers have reporters, editors, photographers, benefits, pensions and office space. These guys have one human being and a robot that doesn’t even ask for lunch.”
Citizen K welcomed the acquisition.
“For years, St. Louis Breaking has operated according to the highest principles of fake journalism,” he said. “We look forward to combining those standards with Mr. Hoffmann’s proven ability to buy things.”
Expansion Plans Already Underway
True to form, sources say Hoffmann has ambitious plans for the publication, including expanding St. Louis Breaking into radio, television, YouTube channels, podcasts, billboards, supermarket carts and possibly promotional placemats at local restaurants.
A proposed new corporate headquarters is reportedly being considered somewhere in the St. Louis region, though editors warned Hoffmann that an actual building could dramatically increase expenses.
The new owner has also ordered development of several possible St. Louis Breaking subsidiaries:
St. Charles Breaking, for readers who believe everything happening in St. Louis is eventually moving west.
Chesterfield Breaking, where every story will somehow involve a new luxury apartment complex.
Kirkwood Breaking, which will immediately be sued if it publishes anything about the water or electric departments
And Clayton Breaking, available only behind a $47 monthly paywall.
Local Media Industry Reacts
Executives at traditional St. Louis news organizations were reportedly concerned by the acquisition, particularly after learning that St. Louis Breaking has developed an innovative editorial strategy known as “Just Make Something Up.”
Industry analysts say the model dramatically reduces reporting costs.
“A conventional newsroom might spend days or weeks confirming a story,” said one media consultant. “St. Louis Breaking can publish something in 45 seconds about the Cardinals trading Busch Stadium for Wrigley Field.”
Hoffmann is reportedly especially intrigued by the publication’s growing use of artificial intelligence.
“It turns out AI can write hundreds of fake stories every day,” he said. “Which raises the obvious question: why have we been paying humans to do it?”
New Ownership, Same Commitment
Despite the acquisition, St. Louis Breaking officials (all two of them, only one of them human) assured readers that its editorial mission will remain unchanged.
The publication will continue providing St. Louis with completely fabricated stories about local politics, sports, schools, businesses, celebrities and anything else that can survive a First Amendment lawyer’s nervous breakdown.
The only immediate change will be the company slogan.
The longtime motto:
“Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News”
will reportedly be replaced with:
“Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News — Now With Adult Supervision.”
At press time, Hoffmann was reportedly reviewing his newest acquisition when he suddenly woke up one morning and asked himself:
“Wait. I paid how much for a website run by somebody named Citizen K and a chatbot?”
