KIRKWOOD, MO — Hoping to consolidate the city’s recent utility headaches, Kirkwood officials announced today that the Electric and Water departments will merge into one streamlined agency responsible for budget deficits, rate increases, water-main breaks, boil advisories, and explaining why nobody saw any of it coming.
The new operation, provisionally named the Kirkwood Department of Power, Pressure & Perpetual Surprises, will allow residents to receive all utility-related bad news from one convenient source.
“This merger represents a major improvement in efficiency,” said a city spokesperson standing beside a leaking water main and holding a stack of overdue invoices from Kirkwood Electric vendors. “Previously, residents had to follow separate stories about a multimillion-dollar electric department deficit and a citywide water emergency. Now everything can be experienced as one unified municipal crisis.”
“We realized the two departments have much in common,” explained Interim Deputy Assistant Utility Integration Director Chester P. Valve. “Electric has money disappearing into infrastructure, while Water has water disappearing into the street. There were obvious synergies.”
Under the new arrangement, customers will receive a single monthly statement featuring electric charges, water charges, debt-recovery charges, infrastructure-modernization charges, and a new ‘We Thought Someone Else Was Watching It’ fee.
City leaders stressed that the merger should not be interpreted as an admission that the two utilities are poorly managed.
“We prefer the phrase ‘unexpectedly exciting,’” said one council member. “A $15.6 million electric department shortfall sounds alarming. But when spread across thousands of utility bills over several years, it becomes a community-building exercise.”
At press time, the combined utility department had unveiled its new slogan:
“Kirkwood Utilities: Raising Rates, Lowering Pressure.”
