ST. LOUIS — City officials confirmed Thursday that the growing number of sinkholes opening across St. Louis has now reached “critical mass,” allowing them to be reclassified as a single, interconnected infrastructure improvement project.
“We’re no longer calling them sinkholes,” said one exhausted city engineer while peering into a crater large enough to affect interstate traffic. “They’re now officially ‘spontaneous underground mobility corridors.’”
Residents say the city’s response to sinkholes has become remarkably predictable.
“First, we hear a loud rumble,” said one downtown office worker. “Then somebody puts up orange cones. Then KSDK flies a helicopter over it. Then someone from MSD says they’re ‘still assessing the situation.'”
Tourism officials have reportedly embraced the phenomenon, announcing the new “Sinkhole Trail,” where visitors can collect commemorative passport stamps at each major crater before eventually reaching one large enough to qualify as a National Park.
Meanwhile, the St. Louis Zoo has expressed interest in adopting several of the larger sinkholes after determining they already provide a more natural habitat than some existing exhibits.
To capitalize on the excitement, the Cardinals are reportedly considering renaming one of the premium seating sections “The Sinkhole Club,” where fans can watch both baseball and nearby infrastructure collapse without leaving their seats.
The City Museum has also objected, claiming the sinkholes constitute unauthorized competition.
“We’ve spent decades convincing people to crawl through mysterious holes in the ground,” said a museum spokesperson. “Now the city’s giving the experience away for free.”
At press time, officials assured residents there was “absolutely no reason for concern” before quietly placing traffic cones around the Gateway Arch “just in case.”
